Meaningless

I was wrong about my initial stand on *changing* others. Changing isn't the right word here but I can't think of a better word at the moment cause I am so annoyed ugh. I know you shouldn't change a person completely. That mindset isn't right cause one should only change on his own accord and not just cause someone is pushing him to do so. It should be a willing process. Maybe a little push is alright or let just call that motivation. I never meant to change anyone. Even if it was for the better. I mean who are you to say if it was for the better? So what if it's for his own good? Who are you in his life to begin with?

I mean you could mean no harm, just genuine concern but what good does it do for you? I'm not saying you should do things that benefit yourself but... it'll help if you knew where you stand. Or it's just going to be a meaningless effort. It's just really sad to see such happening but now that it's not and it should not even be a concern to me. It sucks. I swear my heart just sank and instantly I became furious. Time and time again I wish I could do something to change... But what am I changing? Change your habits? Tell me how is it possible. 

It was the last but your last became a start. You keep falling back to the trap then my words just fade away, smoked away to ashes. I don't want to change you. I never did. I wished you could see it from my point of view. Maybe this is the right time to answer your question, "Why do you care?" -

Because you mean a lot to me and always will. 

Because I like you (too much, maybe?) to let you do that to yourself.

Because I genuinely do care about you, because I want to.

But fuck it, these words are a tad too late to even take effect and would it even move you? I could give you another thousand and one reasons why but why bother?

I'd probably regret posting this but really, fuck it. Goodnight.

Something old, something new

I have mentioned that I fear change but countless times, I told myself that change is the only constant in life. Let's just say something a little out of the blue recently happened and I simply don't know how to react to it. And for the first time, I'm on the other side. Yet, I'm not so happy about it? To be honest, I don't know what is this feeling.

Could something old be something new?

Itchy fingers

Side swept

I have been a very brave kid when handling a pair of scissors. Ok maybe a bored and brave kid. Earlier in the year, my fringe was pretty much covering my face so I just tied it up along with my hair. So one day, I snipped it off a little. A little bit more, to "perfect" the length but I was sure on not cutting bangs cause I had a really bad experience cutting bangs.... Way back in 2006. It was a brave but truly stupid move to cut it above my eyebrows. CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW RETARDED I LOOKED? I had to take a passport photo with such a disastrous hairstyle....... I have it somewhere but I rather not share that. As stupid as this may sound, I actually took a few days to get it to the "perfect" length. I really didn't want to rush into it and regret so that's why I took my time and snipped it bit by bit. Towards the end, I got too brave and cut it shorter and ta da - I kinda look like I have bangs. It isn't!!! Regret? Not really....... At least I got the hang of it. No need to go to my hairdresser's to trim my fringe. I can do it by myself! *pats back* 

Sent this to the 4+1 and Alvin said this is my irritating face..... HOW IS IT IRRITATING? Following that he sent us his version of an irritating face. I FREAKING LOOOOOOVE IT. Anyhooooo, today's nature walk with them boys was nice. It felt like we're in another land ha ha ha cause it was alllllll foggy and cold. Cooling weather too, but it started to drizzle heavier than expected when we got further up into our trail. And yay, I got to ride Afiq's Mystery Machine ^^ Pretty bummed that I didn't get to see ayx but hey, impromptu alternatives would always have an interesting outcome! An intended beautiful sunday with a twist.

pianissimo

I look like I have antlers 

I don't know if there's ever a right time to post about how I feel about certain things. I mean we all have those nights where your thoughts drift away to some place we rather not visit, no? Trust me, I wish I could stray away from that damned place but with so much free time on hand, do I really have a choice? Maybe I do. I let myself in there once in a while and then I regret a little. I'm not just talking about feelings about someone you liked, like, love, loved. Feelings about the future. Feelings about the past. Tonight is one of those nights. You could stop reading from here on just because.

Lately, I've witnessed how my friends went through rather painful episodes of their love lives and it hurts me to see them get hurt in the process. See them shed tears as their stories unfold. Or just them pouring their hearts' content. But it came to a point where I feel moved by their heartfelt love towards their other half. How genuine it is. How lovely the process could be, minus the tears of course. Just the thought of it kinda makes me well up a little.

I don't think I am anywhere close to experiencing such. Liking someone for who they are. Feeling like you want to know them better, every moment. Venturing feelings that you never felt before. That tingly feeling. The first. I hope I do, soon. It seems like a pretty sweet feeling. Maybe, I did. Maybe, I didn't. Maybe I've been infatuated a tad too many, guess you can't really run away of that. Maybe what I had was just a few playful, misleading moments. I didn't know if it was anything but it sure messed me up a bit. The road to recovery isn't very pleasant because there will be those questions you have unanswered. 

It's a scary world out there. One moment what you see and feel seemed ideal. A routine you could get used to. You played with the idea but the very next moment, you glance across the room, you see a stranger with some sense of familiarity. Familiarity that you wished you didn't know of. You were initially building walls around you and before you know it, you let people in. Vulnerability sets in. So, you start building them again cause you start losing trust. You built those based on your memories. You think you know what's going on. You plan ahead and you slowly regret cause it's not what you'd imagine it to be in your perfect little world. No one's perfect. Nothing's perfect. Quietly, you drift from your old comfortable setting. Piano to pianissimo. 

Do you really know who's to stay and who will leave once they're done? They say you win some, you lose some. So much uncertainties in life so I guess I'll have to ball up and brave it through. I sound like a bitter bitch, don't I? I don't know where I'm heading with this but to those heartbroken ones, the lonely ones and the lovely passerbys, here's a virtual hug for you. Take it, it'll come in handy when you're in need of one.

Someone told me you can be happy if you want to. 

Experimental

Attempt #1: Cake a little too starchy. Need to work on piping. 

Call me crazy

HAHAHAHA MY FRIENDS SAID I'M CRAZY. I MEAN WHAT'S MORE THERAPEUTIC THAN... MIDNIGHT BAKING. SO HAPPY WITH WHAT I MADE. I JUST TASTED A LITTLE AND AM TOO TIRED CONTINUE EATING. ANYWAYS, THAT'S GONNA BE MY PARENTS' BREAKFAST AND MINE TOO ^___^ 

DO YOU WANT SOME? OK, GOODNIGHT. 

I (don't) want to say goodbye

GRADUATE LO! WELL, TECHNICALLY. THAT COUNTS.

The loudest, coolest, craziest, quirkiest and prettiest five-o in AFSN

Believe it or not, I am finally coming out of my hellhole. Omg for a moment it seemed as if I was gonna type "I'm coming out of the closet"... Ok we all know how straight I am ha ha ha. Anyways, it hasn't really sank in cause firstly, it's not official till 21st May where we will be receiving our diplomas in our graduation robes! Pretty psyched for that cause I vividly remember attending Abang Mamat's graduation and what the hell that was like more than a decade ago. Soon it will be my turn! I'm really enjoying my break. I don't really do anything..... Just lazing around, hang out here and there and playing with my nephew. I am sure loving this long break.

Major Project Team with Mdm Kalpana! *all smiles*

Oh yes, I'm more than glad to announce that my major project has finally come to an end. *pops a bottle of sparkling juice* It's been a while already but it's never too late to share such great news. After 6 critical months of madness with the development and analysis, we did it! We got it over and done with, bidding it goodbye on 15th Feb. Will never forget the date cause it's after Valentine's. HA HA HA HA HA. Ran out of the room after the poster presentation, feeling like a free bird that just got released into the fresh air.... It was such a nervewrecking day. I swear I couldn't be anymore nervous. The poster presentation was scary shit ok. Just you and your members + supervisor + that mysterious EV1 (that remained anonymous till we open the doors of the presentation room)

Can't do it without the boys in my group, so blessed to have them, for always guiding this clueless girl about nutrition. Made a new, pretty good looking friend, Rayneth and definitely strengthened my bond with Sherman whom I've worked with since Year 1. We go all the back and I'm glad he chose me to be part of his group. Really more than honoured. The best leader ever!

Shermz/Cranky x Ray/Porkface

Well, I was awkward as hell at the first meeting...... (In case you guys didn't know, me and Rayneth were probably just Hi Bye friends or let's just say course mates) But look at us now, so shameless and we love to gang up against our cranky leader or simply tease him about those girls. From the numerous hikes up to the hospital early in the morning to photoshoots to camping in IIT/Research Lab (even on Valentine's) all day long. Hell yea it was tiresome but having them around makes it a little more bearable. I guess we do look chill but when it comes to work we are intense ok? Despite being the only girl, I guess I was treated as one of them which I suppose makes it easier to click and that's how we roll. Probably the luckiest girl to be grouped with such awesome and pretty charming boys ^^ 

The following pictures were taken after our presentations. You can see our happy faces and that glow in every picture..... Genuinely happy and relieved that it all has come to an end. I mean, won't you look at us, beaming with overflowing joy!

with my fake mama, Tassha, Indian and Perri

They say we were pretty much the opposite of one another. Go figure.

A10A2's Pimp, all grown up.

Favourite lecturer/tutor of all time, since year 1

Mad love for these people, craziest bunch in the class

Intern bestfriend (contract lasted till.... July 2012) LOL

There you go, that's Ahani for you. Well, we're tight till now mainly because of our internship. I am one of the lucky few who had a friend posted to the same management. He was under Pizza Hut and I was posted to KFC. From the times he spent on telling me about Maple Story..... Telling me about the new additions and whatever advancements they had. I swear I have no clue about what he says, he knows it too. But somehow he just keeps telling me about them. Funny how our colleagues thought we were together LOLWHUT. Apparently, we were always seen together at the pantry. Well duh, intern bestfriend what. Those 4 months where I was "stuck" with him were actually very memorable. We were both going through a hard time and thank goodness we had each other. AND THE BEST PART IS WE WERE BOTH AWARDED WITH PASS WITH COMMENDATION FOR OUR SIP GRADE! As our signature saying goes, "PEDO POWER". I don't even know how it became a thing but yea, PEDO POWER HAHAHAHAHA.

Before and after the cray cray presentation

The four, very important girls in my poly life. Look at us, a perfect example of racial harmony. Hahahaha! But seriously, there's no words to express how thankful I am for these precious people that I am blessed to be friends with and they're definitely a significant part of my poly life. People may have perceived us as obnoxious and loud (who cares what they say), well let me tell you that they're wrong and we're really more than that. There's Aisyah - the wise mother who takes care of us, Tassha - the pretty and sweet Cooper girl, Joey - the crazy yet chio chinese and Sab - who is said to be my twin but I beg to differ!!! I simply cannot imagine what I'd do without them. We sure have done a hell lot of fun, crazy stuffs together other than bickering at the concourse or simply enjoying a good meal at ITAS! There may be times that we're just screaming our heads off and throwing things at one another but the bond between us will always be rock hard, right? Plus, they've been supporting me at my band concerts since day 1. I really appreciate the fact that they've never missed one performance, even those open house performances despite the short period of time that we've known each other. It means a lot to me that they're so supportive  in my area of interest :') Definitely a distinct group of girls and I'm proud to have them in my life. I love you girls so much, for keeping me sane and for pulling through the difficult times together. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, I love you girls to the moon and back. And hey, we made it to the end!!! 

FREEDOM!

Well, this appreciation post is definitely delayed... BUT HELLO FREEDOM! I am enjoying every bit of it, though I'm slowly getting a wee bit bored. Got to get a job to pass this shit load of free time. As much as I'd always looked forward to graduation, now that it's nearing and is really happening OMG, I don't really want to bid my poly life goodbye. It barely felt like 3 years had passed. I mean, look at all the fun I had. Well, it isn't official yet so I am going to take my time and let it sink in. I'm contented that this route I took turned out pretty well and I don't have much regrets about it. It wasn't what I imagined it to be, but I still liked it.

Picture credits to my fav Indian, Sabeera :)