pianissimo

I look like I have antlers 

I don't know if there's ever a right time to post about how I feel about certain things. I mean we all have those nights where your thoughts drift away to some place we rather not visit, no? Trust me, I wish I could stray away from that damned place but with so much free time on hand, do I really have a choice? Maybe I do. I let myself in there once in a while and then I regret a little. I'm not just talking about feelings about someone you liked, like, love, loved. Feelings about the future. Feelings about the past. Tonight is one of those nights. You could stop reading from here on just because.

Lately, I've witnessed how my friends went through rather painful episodes of their love lives and it hurts me to see them get hurt in the process. See them shed tears as their stories unfold. Or just them pouring their hearts' content. But it came to a point where I feel moved by their heartfelt love towards their other half. How genuine it is. How lovely the process could be, minus the tears of course. Just the thought of it kinda makes me well up a little.

I don't think I am anywhere close to experiencing such. Liking someone for who they are. Feeling like you want to know them better, every moment. Venturing feelings that you never felt before. That tingly feeling. The first. I hope I do, soon. It seems like a pretty sweet feeling. Maybe, I did. Maybe, I didn't. Maybe I've been infatuated a tad too many, guess you can't really run away of that. Maybe what I had was just a few playful, misleading moments. I didn't know if it was anything but it sure messed me up a bit. The road to recovery isn't very pleasant because there will be those questions you have unanswered. 

It's a scary world out there. One moment what you see and feel seemed ideal. A routine you could get used to. You played with the idea but the very next moment, you glance across the room, you see a stranger with some sense of familiarity. Familiarity that you wished you didn't know of. You were initially building walls around you and before you know it, you let people in. Vulnerability sets in. So, you start building them again cause you start losing trust. You built those based on your memories. You think you know what's going on. You plan ahead and you slowly regret cause it's not what you'd imagine it to be in your perfect little world. No one's perfect. Nothing's perfect. Quietly, you drift from your old comfortable setting. Piano to pianissimo. 

Do you really know who's to stay and who will leave once they're done? They say you win some, you lose some. So much uncertainties in life so I guess I'll have to ball up and brave it through. I sound like a bitter bitch, don't I? I don't know where I'm heading with this but to those heartbroken ones, the lonely ones and the lovely passerbys, here's a virtual hug for you. Take it, it'll come in handy when you're in need of one.

Someone told me you can be happy if you want to.