ready.

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it's been about a week since the results.
so... i'm pretty much okay, and ready to do actually talk about it.
actually, i'm okay lah. not that sore about it alr.

i realised 11th and 12th just seem to hold alot of significance, well at least for me.
12nov was the end of o's= freedom+heartbreak.
then 11dec was fiesta concert.
then 11jan was results.
except fiesta, the rest was shit, seriously.

i think many are aware that i'm one of the few that didn't make it for jc.
21points. i couldn't use my bonus points at all. cause i'm not eligible for jc. to be eligible=20points.
how many bonus points i had? 4points.
it really hurts thinking how much hardwork i put in my cca and hml.
like i totally gave my heart and soul.
thinking about it now, it hurts, really really hurts.

but, i'm veryvery thankful to Allah
for everything
that i still have a future ahead of me, that it isn't the end for me.
in fact, i'm thankful beyond words, cause i graduated, though my results aren't mindblowing nor breathtaking, but hey, i made it.
so no regrets actually.
cause i knew i gave my best, my very best.
though my results weren't something i expected, but i'm thankful still.
this is the harshest wakeup call that i've had.
and i'm not gonna take poly lightly, cause i want to do really well.
i don't want to screw up.

it felt as if my whole world just crashed and burned.
my already broken heart shattered further.
what ran through my mind.
disappointed, that was how i really felt when i found out i got 21points.
utterly disappointed. cause i didn't make it for jc.
cause i didn't even stand a chance to step in my dream sch, mjc.
i was really eager on jc life, i wanted to go mj so so so badly.
i was so set on going mj, cause initially i thought i could make it.
i thought too highly of myself eh.
and i really wanted to make my parents proud of me.
embarrassed, to face everyone.
with my results.
embarrased that i was unable to get myself into any jcs.
to me, yes, getting into a jc is a very big deal.
embarrassed that i failed to prove myself wrong.
that i failed to be a good example to my juniors, cause i've always wanted to set a good example-
cause i'm aware i'm not an amazing tubist, but now.
i can't even be a good senior academically.
what would people say,
my family, my friends, relatives, will they look down on me that i didn't do well?
i was really afraid to face people. i was embarrassed of my self at that very moment.

i wasn't in the hall when the results were announced.
when people were anxiously waiting,
i was already crying. so badly like a little girl who got caned or smthg.
cause i was informed i'm not going any jcs.
so i just broke down, i couldn't stop.
cause it hurts so badly, that you.. idk, it just really hurts.
i can't describe how i felt. i never imagined that at all.
it was so unreal. a veryvery rude shock.
i knew i wasn't gonna do very well but, i assumed it wouldn't be more that 20.
cause i really, really with all my heart, wanted to get into a jc.
it meant alot for me.
so when people in the hall were cheering, i was in the computer lab crying my eyeballs out.
typing all this now is making me tear. damn.
so that was what happened on 11jan, my eyes were so puffy, i cried for very long,
yes, i am so loser D:

>>>>fast forwarddddd.
i need to list the people who made me so much better, THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART.
Mrs Ngin, who tried to make me calm as i cried so so badly after she break the news to us, and telling me she will vouch for me, if my mum were to scold me.
Cikgu Shikin, for the hug, talking and comforting me
Cikgu Zain, for the really motivating words that made me realise it's not the end for me, his wise words. i'll remember.
Elizabeth & Jiaxin. You guys are awfully sweet. Really. i never felt so loved by my juniors. they stayed with me for quite awhile, comforting me.
Arra Arina Syaf for keeping me sane, as we crapped. and making me laugh and finally smile as we stayed at the corridor isolating ourselves.
Cheryl & Daphne the duo that managed put a bigbig smile on my face at the end of the day.
Shi for the hug that i badly needed when i came over to the piano area
The Awesome Tj people who checked on me! Bertram Wee, Jason Lai & Patrick Trisna you guys are so sweeeeet, for the smses, texting me for abit once you guys found about my results. Though i've only known you guys for a month, it was really touching that you guys asked how i was, etc.
and everyone else who texted me, seniors, juniors, friends :) you guys are awesome cause you guys are the reason why i could feel better, Thank You from the bottom of my heart.

My whole family was really really caring and supportive. I really felt veryvery loved.
They were proud of me, no matter what though they knew i was disappointed, they were all there for me.
My mum actually texted arra to check on me cause she thought i was going to do smthg stupid.
HAHAHA.
then everyone came together to like discuss about me, to whr i was heading to, what are my plans and such.
they knew how lost i was, cause they all knew i wanted the jc route
but they talked to me, discussing the pros and cons of everythg, telling me their experiences, their views. knocking alotalot of sense into me
they really cared about me, they really do despite the age gap.
i was really touched, and they made me feel much much better.
knowing that my family was there for me and am proud of me no matter what my results were, is just really heartwarming. cause they really care. i never seen them so caring before, they are caring but this was different. I just felt so touched.

then my aunts who congratulated me, telling me not to give up no matter what happens.
and my cousin, hanani who called me to ask me how i did, and she was really very sweet.
i was really touched, we were very close when we were younger, but kinda drifted apart, but when i had the phonecall with her, it just felt like oldtimes.
she kept saying, "Eh you must wait for me at poly okay, then we can go school together"
so sweet right.

at the end of the day, looking back, i am so fortunate to have people there for me who helped me pulled through this tough episode. Esp when i thought my world had just crashed and burned,
I am indeed veryvery thankful, for everything.
Thank you,
i love you all so so much.
the awesomest people in my life ever, THANK YOU (:





i really needed you then, but i hope somehow somewhat deep in your heart you still care.